Between Light and Shadow

I had never heard of such a thing before. Sleep Paralysis. But once a friend told me about it and my research of the subject confirmed that it's an ancient occurrence in people's lives (indeed, the word nightmare itself is derived from the phenomena!) I became obsessed by it. Part of this obsession was because I realised it had happened to me once, when I was a small child of 8 or 9 years. I'd woken up from a really bad nightmare and saw, what I thought was, the silhouette of my brother and mother standing over me in the dark, looking down. Their presence made me happy, "Thank God they're here right after a nightmare", but as soon as I finished that thought the silhouettes stretched out their hands and started choking me. I immediately woke up. I'd had sleep paralysis in the shape of two demons. This is not unusual for people who have sleep paralysis and artists renditions of this particular type was what made me realise that that is what happened...

I've been lonely for a long time, and I've lived in the shadows for too long. I am not a young man anymore, but I've yet to become old. I'm in those years where I'll have to either accept defeat, or make one last stand. This is my last stand. I'm afraid to be a man, because I'm afraid to fail at it and to succeed at it. Both prospects scare me to the bone and so I've lived the last couple of years as a harmless and useless being, because I'm too afraid to act out in the world and effect change. I've been a bad man and I've lead people astray, I've done good and helped people live better lives. I've been a false prophet and I've been a saviour. My dilemma is I don't know how to be the good without the bad. I don't know how to act well without fucking up. That scares me. But this emptiness that I'm now living in scares me even more, for all it offers is bitterness and resentment and I see the pit I'm fallin...