It was a lonely, miserable night

I've been lonely for a long time, and I've lived in the shadows for too long. I am not a young man anymore, but I've yet to become old. I'm in those years where I'll have to either accept defeat, or make one last stand.

This is my last stand.

I'm afraid to be a man, because I'm afraid to fail at it and to succeed at it. Both prospects scare me to the bone and so I've lived the last couple of years as a harmless and useless being, because I'm too afraid to act out in the world and effect change.

I've been a bad man and I've lead people astray, I've done good and helped people live better lives. I've been a false prophet and I've been a saviour.

My dilemma is I don't know how to be the good without the bad. I don't know how to act well without fucking up. That scares me.

But this emptiness that I'm now living in scares me even more, for all it offers is bitterness and resentment and I see the pit I'm falling into.

I must learn to accept the darkness, and to live with my mistakes. I must accept that I'm not perfect and that I will always be flawed.

I can never be all what I wish to be unless I'm willing to risk being that which I wish to destroy. The bad comes with the good and the good comes with the bad. The alternative is doing nothing.

And I'm resolved to do something.

So here it is,

My journey between the light and the shadows.